In August, life transitioned from humdrum to busy busy busy - with church stuff. I posted about this then.
And it's ended up being even more busy than anticipated. Can I just share why I'm increasingly overwhelmed right now?
This might be a long post.
First, my favorite new thing since August: We're doing respite foster care once a month (that's where kids have established foster homes, but the caregivers need a break. Foster kids can only spend the night at a licensed home, so they can't just be left with Grandma. That's where we come in.) For those who don't know, we've been licensed for foster care for two years. But parenting needs to have both parents willing to jump in, and Joe wasn't quite ready at the time. But now, whenever we get kids in the home, it's the greatest blessing ever!
But it involves extra work, obviously. I have not figured out how to get anything done while they're here, even though they are older kids. Mentally it's draining to be chatting so much and finding things for them to do. It takes up time to take them places. I'm cooking more thoroughly for meals. I'm making bunk beds and doing a little extra laundry. We have to unlock the closet door every time we want to grab Tylenol. All these little things that disrupt life tiny bit by tiny bit.
I skipped women's Bible study this quarter. Actually, I tried to go to a Wednesday night one, but Wednesdays are one of the two days Joe consistently has off, and Thursdays I had Kids Club after-school program and did childcare for Thursday morning Bible study. So I dropped off women's Bible study to hang out with him. Plus, I was tired of driving to and from the church three times within twenty-four hours every week.
I've been doing childcare for Mothers of Preschoolers 2x/month still. It's rewarding but exhausting. I never thought I'd be wrangling 24 2-year-olds, but each time, I am so thankful that I can physically do it. It's amazing that my remission from MS has progressed so far.
Hardly worth mentioning, but I also watch kindergartners between services at church once a month. It's the easiest thing ever, but like I said - add up the little things and it becomes a lot.
And there's another new thing too...
And it's not ministry-related. I'm a writer now. I ghostwrite articles and blog posts for companies who want to add content to their sites. And it's steady work because I'm contracted by a go-between company that collects and distributes these assignments. I love it because I'm making money, which we don't need, but I haven't worked in years and I've missed it and it feels good. Plus I'm using my English degree, finally.
And I'm babysitting too, not for ministry, but for money. Oh I love it. It's for a family that also takes in foster kids, but the fact remains: I took the job because I wanted $$ that I don't need, and now I have no more Friday mornings or afternoons, which used to be prime writing time.
I'm behind on life.
Part of the overwhelmation is that I had a stomach bug Sunday night and I'm just recovering my strength. So the house is messy and I have to go to Costco and Safeway and run errands and I don't have the energy.
Part of it is that I was already barely keeping up with writing assignments and then I got assigned a whole bunch and I knew I couldn't get them done in time but I didn't ask them to reassign them because I wanted the money and because I was sick the last couple of days I got even more behind and it's a big mess right now.
Aaaand all this extra money-making stuff I took on? It's not for charity. Sure, I am giving and I plan to give more after I reach my ultra-spiritual goal of purchasing my childhood dream:
A trampoline.
It's a nice one. It's this one. My in-laws, who live a few blocks away, are letting us put it on their property. It'll be mainly for my nephews and the foster kids we get and occasionally the kids I babysit (and it'll be fun to lay on in the summer, plus I like to be "bounced!")
I guess you could argue there are some "ministry" elements to it. But that isn't what I was thinking when I decided I wanted to take on jobs and amass several thousand dollars to buy a giant trampoline, right in the middle of all the good church things that were so overwhelming. What was I thinking?
In the middle of all this, I'm neglecting my "housewifely" duties, my ministry to my husband, which should come before all of the ministries and money-making and trampoline ventures. I'm not doing too bad, I think, because I'm still cooking delicious meals a few times a week, but cleaning is behind. And I would hire someone to help (which is also a ministry because it provides extra cash for friends who need it) but I'm too busy saving up for my trampoline.
I haven't been to the gym in...a few months (where I do water walking.) And here I'm spending [Joe's] money on a membership and not taking advantage of it, partly because I am making "my own" money.
And I am not spending time with God, hardly at all. Partly because I haven't been doing Bible study, which holds me accountable. Our small group also ended when our hosts moved, so I'm lacking spiritual conversation. Spending time with God has nothing to do with not enough time because my "down time" involves Netflix and computer games. I have no excuse. And I feel the effects. But even when I do sit down with my Bible and my journal, I'm so antsy and distracted I'm only there for a few minutes, and my prayers consist of one thing: "Please help me get everything done today." Which is a silly prayer, when it should be, "Please help me to be aware of the things you want me to get done today, and to have enough of an open mind that if you want me to change my schedule I will do so willingly."
So, as you can see, some of these factors are my own doing. Some of them aren't. I shouldn't have taken everything on so quickly. I should have allowed room for the unexpected instead of packing my life with everything possible. I should have waited to apply for jobs until summer was over and school-year ministries ended. I know "should" is a bad word and I should live life with no regrets, but I would hope I can recognize that I made a mistake and learn from it.
It's mostly my mental limits that are at capacity.
AND I'M SO BEHIND ON WRIITNG I can hardly think straight or even get started. How do I even tackle the 13 articles I have? Six are overdue.
It's easier just to turn on the TV and hope everything goes away. Like when something is in the fridge and I'm not sure if it's gone bad, so instead of worrying about whether I should throw it out, I leave it in there till I definitely do need to throw it out so I don't have to make the decision. (Am I the only one that does this? I'm sure I am.)
(Ironically, I'm addicted to Once Upon a Time, which combines the real world with a fairy tale world. I'm literally burying myself in fairy tales.)
So what is the purpose of this post? Am I just whining?
I don't think so. It helps me to lay everything out and say "Ah. So this is why I feel this way."
But I also need advice. And Scripture. And prayer for motivation. I need a mentor, I've known that for a while, but haven't pursued one. Or a friend, even if not a mentor, that will consistently reach out to me because I am not capable of consistently reaching out to them right now. Or I need to go to counseling, but haven't pursued that either.
So that's where I am. I love my life. I just have too much of it right now! And I'm paralyzed by it.
Love,
Amber
And it's ended up being even more busy than anticipated. Can I just share why I'm increasingly overwhelmed right now?
This might be a long post.
First, my favorite new thing since August: We're doing respite foster care once a month (that's where kids have established foster homes, but the caregivers need a break. Foster kids can only spend the night at a licensed home, so they can't just be left with Grandma. That's where we come in.) For those who don't know, we've been licensed for foster care for two years. But parenting needs to have both parents willing to jump in, and Joe wasn't quite ready at the time. But now, whenever we get kids in the home, it's the greatest blessing ever!
But it involves extra work, obviously. I have not figured out how to get anything done while they're here, even though they are older kids. Mentally it's draining to be chatting so much and finding things for them to do. It takes up time to take them places. I'm cooking more thoroughly for meals. I'm making bunk beds and doing a little extra laundry. We have to unlock the closet door every time we want to grab Tylenol. All these little things that disrupt life tiny bit by tiny bit.
I skipped women's Bible study this quarter. Actually, I tried to go to a Wednesday night one, but Wednesdays are one of the two days Joe consistently has off, and Thursdays I had Kids Club after-school program and did childcare for Thursday morning Bible study. So I dropped off women's Bible study to hang out with him. Plus, I was tired of driving to and from the church three times within twenty-four hours every week.
I've been doing childcare for Mothers of Preschoolers 2x/month still. It's rewarding but exhausting. I never thought I'd be wrangling 24 2-year-olds, but each time, I am so thankful that I can physically do it. It's amazing that my remission from MS has progressed so far.
Hardly worth mentioning, but I also watch kindergartners between services at church once a month. It's the easiest thing ever, but like I said - add up the little things and it becomes a lot.
And there's another new thing too...
And it's not ministry-related. I'm a writer now. I ghostwrite articles and blog posts for companies who want to add content to their sites. And it's steady work because I'm contracted by a go-between company that collects and distributes these assignments. I love it because I'm making money, which we don't need, but I haven't worked in years and I've missed it and it feels good. Plus I'm using my English degree, finally.
And I'm babysitting too, not for ministry, but for money. Oh I love it. It's for a family that also takes in foster kids, but the fact remains: I took the job because I wanted $$ that I don't need, and now I have no more Friday mornings or afternoons, which used to be prime writing time.
I'm behind on life.
Part of the overwhelmation is that I had a stomach bug Sunday night and I'm just recovering my strength. So the house is messy and I have to go to Costco and Safeway and run errands and I don't have the energy.
Part of it is that I was already barely keeping up with writing assignments and then I got assigned a whole bunch and I knew I couldn't get them done in time but I didn't ask them to reassign them because I wanted the money and because I was sick the last couple of days I got even more behind and it's a big mess right now.
Aaaand all this extra money-making stuff I took on? It's not for charity. Sure, I am giving and I plan to give more after I reach my ultra-spiritual goal of purchasing my childhood dream:
A trampoline.
It's a nice one. It's this one. My in-laws, who live a few blocks away, are letting us put it on their property. It'll be mainly for my nephews and the foster kids we get and occasionally the kids I babysit (and it'll be fun to lay on in the summer, plus I like to be "bounced!")
I guess you could argue there are some "ministry" elements to it. But that isn't what I was thinking when I decided I wanted to take on jobs and amass several thousand dollars to buy a giant trampoline, right in the middle of all the good church things that were so overwhelming. What was I thinking?
In the middle of all this, I'm neglecting my "housewifely" duties, my ministry to my husband, which should come before all of the ministries and money-making and trampoline ventures. I'm not doing too bad, I think, because I'm still cooking delicious meals a few times a week, but cleaning is behind. And I would hire someone to help (which is also a ministry because it provides extra cash for friends who need it) but I'm too busy saving up for my trampoline.
I haven't been to the gym in...a few months (where I do water walking.) And here I'm spending [Joe's] money on a membership and not taking advantage of it, partly because I am making "my own" money.
And I am not spending time with God, hardly at all. Partly because I haven't been doing Bible study, which holds me accountable. Our small group also ended when our hosts moved, so I'm lacking spiritual conversation. Spending time with God has nothing to do with not enough time because my "down time" involves Netflix and computer games. I have no excuse. And I feel the effects. But even when I do sit down with my Bible and my journal, I'm so antsy and distracted I'm only there for a few minutes, and my prayers consist of one thing: "Please help me get everything done today." Which is a silly prayer, when it should be, "Please help me to be aware of the things you want me to get done today, and to have enough of an open mind that if you want me to change my schedule I will do so willingly."
So, as you can see, some of these factors are my own doing. Some of them aren't. I shouldn't have taken everything on so quickly. I should have allowed room for the unexpected instead of packing my life with everything possible. I should have waited to apply for jobs until summer was over and school-year ministries ended. I know "should" is a bad word and I should live life with no regrets, but I would hope I can recognize that I made a mistake and learn from it.
It's mostly my mental limits that are at capacity.
AND I'M SO BEHIND ON WRIITNG I can hardly think straight or even get started. How do I even tackle the 13 articles I have? Six are overdue.
It's easier just to turn on the TV and hope everything goes away. Like when something is in the fridge and I'm not sure if it's gone bad, so instead of worrying about whether I should throw it out, I leave it in there till I definitely do need to throw it out so I don't have to make the decision. (Am I the only one that does this? I'm sure I am.)
(Ironically, I'm addicted to Once Upon a Time, which combines the real world with a fairy tale world. I'm literally burying myself in fairy tales.)
So what is the purpose of this post? Am I just whining?
I don't think so. It helps me to lay everything out and say "Ah. So this is why I feel this way."
But I also need advice. And Scripture. And prayer for motivation. I need a mentor, I've known that for a while, but haven't pursued one. Or a friend, even if not a mentor, that will consistently reach out to me because I am not capable of consistently reaching out to them right now. Or I need to go to counseling, but haven't pursued that either.
So that's where I am. I love my life. I just have too much of it right now! And I'm paralyzed by it.
Love,
Amber
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ReplyDeleteI love you. You are so human, you have such a good heart. You are so tough on yourself. And this 'Life' thing, I have every confidence you are doing it 'right'.
ReplyDelete