In which of the following ways is pain being manifested in your life right now? Chances are, it's more than one:
If you suffer from physical pain - a constant plague, with barely any respite. It's there all day and all night. It keeps you exhausted in bed; it limits your activities. It makes those you want to serve, serve you instead, whether or not they have the energy for it. It keeps you from driving or walking or running or hiking, from the ministries you feel you've been gifted with. It keeps you physically confined in one area. There is nothing you can do that is free of pain.
If you suffer from relational pain - a tension between you and a friend, spouse, sibling, parent, or child. Pain every time you remember the bitter words exchanged. Your conversation topics are purposely shallow, your words so guarded, lest the other person use them against you or misunderstand you. A longing for shalom, for the way things should be, but with such extensive hurt on both sides, neither party knows how to pursue it without becoming even more vulnerable.
If you suffer from emotional pain - a sadness borne of tragedy. Death. Childhood injustice. Inability to have children. Guilt. Shame.
If you suffer from spiritual pain - a hopelessness. God has left. He is too far away for you to feel his love. He is not listening. He is disappointed in you.
If you suffer from mental pain - a struggle to think clearly. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, and so many others. You are inundated with a stream of never-ending confusion; you never know whether to believe you are worthless or in danger or extremely happy or what is reality and what is imagination.
Which are yours?
Have you told anyone, whether God or your closest friend or anyone else? I mean really told - all the little bits of ugliness your pain causes in you - how it makes you snap at your loved ones, or cry in the middle of the night, or makes you doubt God's goodness?
If not, is it because you don't want to sound whiney? Or is it because there is no point - others can't do anything to help, so why try?
If it's either of these, I'll tell you my theory: It's a lie. The fact that you're even worried about sounding whiney means you aren't whining. And if others can't do anything to help - well, I read a pithy statement once that is actually meaningful here.
"Shared sorrow is half the sorrow, and shared joy is twice the joy."
The last time I shared my joy with someone, it was to recount a spiritual experience. I'd had joy during the experience, but of course it faded to contentment in the days following. But as I recounted the experience to my friend, her eyes grew wide with interest and she listened, almost breathlessly, to my story. Her eyes filled with tears when mine did; she laughed and smiled in response to what she was hearing. And it was like I was experiencing that same joy again. It's the same reason the newly engaged woman immediately longs to tell her friends the good news - to recount the proposal, to consider the upcoming excitement, in community.
The last time I shared my pain or sorrow with someone, I know I was afraid of whining. And I know I didn't want to share, because what was the point? What could that friend do? I tested the waters with a vague, unconvincing "I'm doing okay." When my friend urged me to open up, I shared little bits more. She kept asking specific questions until I had told her everything. And I felt better, because:
Have you ever felt honored that someone has shared their deep pain with you? I treasure it. Because when someone shares their pain with me, it means they trust me. They trust that I will not broadcast what they share with me to anyone else. They trust I will not pass judgment. They trust that I will not make the pain worse.
In the same way, when I share my pain with a few others or many others, it means I trust them - and not only that, but the person knows that I trust them, through actions, rather than the simple words "I trust you." Sharing your pain with someone you love is a good way to show them that you trust them.
I don't know why I wrote all this; I am hardly dealing with any pain myself right now. This topic hasn't been on my mind and it hasn't really come up in conversation or study. I was just sitting at the kitchen table, admiring the sky and planning my day and drinking coffee, and I felt antsy, like I had to write something or I would go crazy. So there you have it.
- Physical
- Relational
- Emotional
- Spiritual
- Mental
If you suffer from physical pain - a constant plague, with barely any respite. It's there all day and all night. It keeps you exhausted in bed; it limits your activities. It makes those you want to serve, serve you instead, whether or not they have the energy for it. It keeps you from driving or walking or running or hiking, from the ministries you feel you've been gifted with. It keeps you physically confined in one area. There is nothing you can do that is free of pain.
If you suffer from relational pain - a tension between you and a friend, spouse, sibling, parent, or child. Pain every time you remember the bitter words exchanged. Your conversation topics are purposely shallow, your words so guarded, lest the other person use them against you or misunderstand you. A longing for shalom, for the way things should be, but with such extensive hurt on both sides, neither party knows how to pursue it without becoming even more vulnerable.
If you suffer from emotional pain - a sadness borne of tragedy. Death. Childhood injustice. Inability to have children. Guilt. Shame.
If you suffer from spiritual pain - a hopelessness. God has left. He is too far away for you to feel his love. He is not listening. He is disappointed in you.
If you suffer from mental pain - a struggle to think clearly. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, and so many others. You are inundated with a stream of never-ending confusion; you never know whether to believe you are worthless or in danger or extremely happy or what is reality and what is imagination.
Which are yours?
Have you told anyone, whether God or your closest friend or anyone else? I mean really told - all the little bits of ugliness your pain causes in you - how it makes you snap at your loved ones, or cry in the middle of the night, or makes you doubt God's goodness?
If not, is it because you don't want to sound whiney? Or is it because there is no point - others can't do anything to help, so why try?
If it's either of these, I'll tell you my theory: It's a lie. The fact that you're even worried about sounding whiney means you aren't whining. And if others can't do anything to help - well, I read a pithy statement once that is actually meaningful here.
"Shared sorrow is half the sorrow, and shared joy is twice the joy."
The last time I shared my joy with someone, it was to recount a spiritual experience. I'd had joy during the experience, but of course it faded to contentment in the days following. But as I recounted the experience to my friend, her eyes grew wide with interest and she listened, almost breathlessly, to my story. Her eyes filled with tears when mine did; she laughed and smiled in response to what she was hearing. And it was like I was experiencing that same joy again. It's the same reason the newly engaged woman immediately longs to tell her friends the good news - to recount the proposal, to consider the upcoming excitement, in community.
The last time I shared my pain or sorrow with someone, I know I was afraid of whining. And I know I didn't want to share, because what was the point? What could that friend do? I tested the waters with a vague, unconvincing "I'm doing okay." When my friend urged me to open up, I shared little bits more. She kept asking specific questions until I had told her everything. And I felt better, because:
- I no longer felt like I was dealing with my pain alone. She knew.
- She affirmed my pain, my emotions, my reactions.
- She related to some parts of my pain in her own experience.
- She expressed sympathy and concern with other parts of my pain that she had not experienced.
- She gave me encouragement and truth, bolstering me mentally, helping me to deal with my pain.
- She promised to support me and check up on me as I continued to struggle with it.
Have you ever felt honored that someone has shared their deep pain with you? I treasure it. Because when someone shares their pain with me, it means they trust me. They trust that I will not broadcast what they share with me to anyone else. They trust I will not pass judgment. They trust that I will not make the pain worse.
In the same way, when I share my pain with a few others or many others, it means I trust them - and not only that, but the person knows that I trust them, through actions, rather than the simple words "I trust you." Sharing your pain with someone you love is a good way to show them that you trust them.
I don't know why I wrote all this; I am hardly dealing with any pain myself right now. This topic hasn't been on my mind and it hasn't really come up in conversation or study. I was just sitting at the kitchen table, admiring the sky and planning my day and drinking coffee, and I felt antsy, like I had to write something or I would go crazy. So there you have it.
I absolutely love this and it is so relevant to me and my last few days with learning how to share with those close to me about the pain that I have in my life.
ReplyDeleteAhh, thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWho are you? Or do you prefer it to be secret? =)
Amber
I used to share my pain, but after being told that I complained a lot and was too sensitive I stopped. I tentatively tried again a few times over the years, and even reached the point of forcing myself to open up about what I was going through because I was determined to not allow my refusal to be vulnerable to become a roadblock to healing any relationship. The attempts left me even more wounded than before.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am honored when others entrust me with their pain, but I've found the feeling isn't always mutual. So while it is wonderful when it works out, I'd counter that the concern of being condemned for your pain is warranted.
Still, it's nice to read of a positive experience with it. Good post.
Unknown - I am saddened that you've had so many negative experiences with sharing your pain! If I'd had the same experiences, I'm sure I would be reticent as well. I agree, the concern for being hurt is very valid.
ReplyDeleteI confess, I have hurt people who have shared their pain with me. Maybe even you. But whether I hurt you or not, I do feel deeply sorry for the sin that made you feel wounded, unimportant, unheard.
I am so fallible, friend, but I can't read your comment without being touched by your heart. Can we meet?
You wrote this, amber, because you HAVE been in pain. You wrote this because you know women now walking through painful things. You wrote this, dear one, because you will experience pain again. It is our dark shadow in this life. How beautiful that you are in a sunny season and yet still CHOOSE to step into many different shadows. You have such a mercy gift, my precious one. Keep writing. I always say " you have no idea how instrumental your blog is!" But you do...to the two who commented above, I am praying for you both <3 <3
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough one for sure. I thought that I liked listening, empathizing and praying with people and, up to a point, I do. But then I got married to a man who will tell you twenty things that are going wrong in his life and won't mention the two hundred things that are going well. It wears you down after a while. I confess that I (who of all people should not) have shut him down sometimes--especially when I am hurting myself.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's also that I hesitate to share the hurt back for fear of overloading him? There's something about a mutual sharing that makes it work in a close, long-term relationship as opposed to one in which there is more space.
Sorry it took so long to respond. You bring up some really good points. It can be beneficial for some people to "talk themselves out." Since listening to them is a good thing for me to do, does that mean I must always do it whenever anyone wants to talk?
ReplyDeleteI don't think so. Ministry is good, but we don't take every ministry opportunity presented to us, because that would lead to burnout, which would distract us from our main commitments.
My main commitment, and yours, is marriage. I think your husband should have some of the responsibility for what he shares - I mean, I'm the talker in our marriage, but I am able to wait for a "good time" to unload on him (by asking him if it's a good time). And he knows how to gently say "I just want some alone time right now" without offending me at all.
Oh - and sharing the hurt back! That's huge! I have sensed my husband withholding his pain for fear of burdening me. I have to tell him (and myself) that I want to share in his life, including the hard things - especially since he shares in my hard things by listening.
Oh, and as I am a talker like your husband, I can say, he probably feels that he is not burdening you, but privileging you with feelings he doesn't share with anyone else. Definitely something to talk about, since you have different perspectives.
ReplyDelete