A New Chapter

Yesterday I sat in a doctor's office while a neurologist looked at test results, turned to me and said, "I think you have MS."

I know this is impersonal.  I wish I could tell many of you in person and talk for hours about it.  But wow, there is just so much going on now...so many choices we had put off making until we knew something for sure.  Little things, like "now I'm going to buy my own wheelchair instead of borrowing it," and big things, like "will we ever get to have kids?"  And of course, looking at all the different treatment options there are.

I'm anticipating which questions you would ask me if I was able to tell you in person...

When did this start?

I first noticed it in August.  As many of you know, I have bipolar disorder, and I was in a depressive state for months.  I thought that my leg weakness was caused by atrophy from not exercising/being lazy.  Then, I thought it was just a side effect of depression.  When I told my psychiatrist, "My depression is so bad that I have to slide down the stairs on my butt," she said "Um, I don't think that's depression..have you been tested for autoimmune disease?"  My main symptoms are leg weakness and hip/knee pain.

Why didn't you tell me?

Honestly, I was keeping it quiet.  At first I didn't really believe anything was seriously wrong.  I thought it must be related to anxiety.  I also had days where I felt almost normal, and believed the problem was solving itself.  I did not tell many people.  Also, it can be exhausting to keep a large group of people informed, so I wanted to wait till I actually had something to say besides "we don't know."

How are you?

You may not believe me, but I'm really good right now.  I'm in a slightly "manic" state, which is what happens in bipolar disorder.  So my mood is elevated, I feel invincible - not to the point where I'm doing severe manic activity like driving with my eyes closed or spending a lot of money at the mall - but where I am almost unnaturally happy, almost all the time.

Mostly, I am so thankful.  For family and a few friends that have surrounded me these last few months with meals and housecleaning and company since I can't drive myself.  For a quick diagnosis and the option to start treatment immediately.

How is Joe?

I can't speak for him, but he has been my rock - attentive in every way.  We do have a big journey to go through together and I think it will be difficult in ways neither of us imagined.

What can I do?

I knew you'd ask that!  =P  The next two weeks we have a lot of choices to make, so we're going to lay low.  Feel free to send me messages through Facebook or email, and don't be offended if I read them and don't respond right away.  amberfer at comcast dot net

Would you specifically pray that I would be drawn to Jesus?  I am in full blown "crisis" mode - that is, I'm ready to plan and make lists and phone calls and get this show on the road, but I haven't really talked with Jesus about it.  In my humanness I just want to deal with it all by myself, but the Christ in me is saying, "And how do you think that will work out for you, hmmm?"

I've heard about MS, but I don't really know what it is.

You and me both, pal.  Well anyway, a month ago I didn't really know what it was, until the doc told me I might have it.  The National MS Society website is a good place to start.



Well!  I guess I'm going to be posting more often now.  Thanks for reading!