Chai Conundrum

The last few weeks, I have been so strong, emotionally. I've been learning to break my depressive habits and live like a healthy person. I've taken on - and accomplished - big projects.

Yet as the pace of my life quickened, I couldn't think of anything to write about on this blog. Sure, I'd have snippets of ideas - but they passed so quickly, and were replaced with other ideas, that I was never able to fully expand my thoughts.

As the depression left, my attention span became shorter. I found myself fidgeting while watching movies. When (out of habit) I played computer games or watched TV shows, I realized I wasn't really enjoying myself, and I started using my time more productively. My patience also lessened - I said several times, "And this is how I know I'm not depressed: I actually have the energy to be cranky." Because there is a huge difference between cranky and whiney.

Today I was denying the signs that depression had returned. I took a nap - that's not a crime. And I spent a few hours playing computer games while watching TV shows - well, at least I didn't do it all day, right? And I got halfway through my daily chores list before I just...stopped, and never realized that I had stopped. Over dinner with Joe, I said all the right things that a healthy person says when they have had a lazy day: "I shouldn't have wasted so much time, but it's okay, because I can spend time doing it after dinner. And even though I feel overwhelmed, everyone feels like that sometimes. I'm just a healthy person experiencing a little discouragement."

And this is why depressed people can't talk themselves out of depression. Because I started clearing out the fridge and started hyperventilating. Suddenly there were so many decisions, and this is what was going on in my head at a mile a minute: "What should I do with this Pyrex of old beef broth? I know I was saving it for a reason, but what was it? I don't have any more in the pantry. Well, I guess I'll just toss it....oh no! The dishwasher is halfway through its cycle, and I don't want the dirty Pyrex to be sitting on the counter while I wait for the dishes to wash because I already cleaned the counter! Okay I'll just put it back in the fridge...Oh, come on Amber, just hand wash the Pyrex. No, I can't, because I can't get distracted washing dishes when I need to clean out the fridge."

Here's a similar conversation I had with myself, after Joe elected to take over the fridge cleaning, and I opted to make us some chai. The italicized is supposed to be the unreasonable me.

(I pour two mugs half full of chai, then fill them up the rest of the way with milk. I am paralyzed for several minutes while I have this mental conversation.)
Darn, I forgot that the 1:1 ratio is too strong, I wanted to dilute it with more milk.
I guess I could dump the whole thing into a pot - yes, that's what I"ll do, and add more milk.
And use bigger mugs to make up for the extra milk.
But what about the two mugs I've already gotten dirty?
Oh well, whatever, don't worry. Just make a decision and stick with it.
Okay so I'll pour them in a pot.
But I only have my large pot available, because the others are in the dishwasher.
So just use the big pot.
Okay but it's so hard to pour liquids from a big pot into a small mug without spilling!
So use a dipper.
But the liquid is too shallow in the big pot for a dipper!
Alright, just microwave the mugs.
But chai tastes better when I make it in a pot so I can whisk it while it heats up.
Use the electric tea kettle.
Is there something I can use as a pot that has a spout?
USE THE TEA KETTLE.
Noo because I don't want it to dry to the insides and besides, I can't whisk it.
So microwave it. It's already not going to taste perfect because it isn't diluted to your taste, but at least you'll have something hot to drink.
I should buy a pot that has a spout. For when I want to heat up stuff on the stove and whisk it, and pour it.Someone's distracted.
Should I add that to the shopping list? "Pot with spout." What would that look like? Do they even sell something like that? Am I looking for an open tea kettle for the stove? What if I add it to my shopping list and I can never find one? And then I'll never be able to cross it off because I'll just keep looking forever. Besides, I shouldn't add anything new to the list.
Hello, you've just been talking to yourself while staring at two mugs of cold chai.
Oh, right. Okay, microwave.
Wait, how long should I heat it for?Oh my gosh, just hit some buttons and heat it up.
No, what if I overheat it?So don't overheat it.
This is why I wanted to whisk it! So the heat distributes evenly and it gets all smooth!You can still whisk it, just whisk it every minute or so.
Okay, it's been a minute. And I whisked it. Do you think they make pots with spouts? Should I get one?
Is the chai ready?
Whoops, no. Okay, another minute. So, about that pot...should I invent it? Because you need something like a tea kettle, but open so you can stir things, and clean it out if you put something besides water in it. That's such a good idea. It would be like a watering can for the stove. I'm a genius!
Microwave.
Oh right. Ummm, it's warm, but not hot. Should I put it in for another minute or leave it like it is?
Well, you don't have to put it in for a whole minute.
What? Yes I do. That's what I always do - press the minute button.
You could press the 30 second button.
Ah, so I could...

Conversations like this are why I do things so slowly, and often simply stop doing them. I become so confused I forget what I was doing. And this is why Joe comes home to half-completed chores, and a sumptuous dinner where I forgot to put out forks, napkins, and croutons.

This - this is why depression drives people crazy. It starts out as little silly conversations that they know are silly, but after a few days of this they just don't have the energy to fight it anymore. After a few months it's become a different way of living. Depressed people are stuck in the moment - unable to look forward to the future or even to the next day; unable to handle more than the most mundane of tasks. This is why depressed people escape through excessive sleep or TV. They don't want to be alone in their minds with themselves.

This is why I confess, my devotional life is almost non-existent. I attend church. I pray and worship corporately. I do my Bible study lesson and attend Bible study. I have deep spiritual conversations with other believers. But I hate being alone with my thoughts, and that is why I hardly ever pray or read the Bible in private. It's not exactly a sin; I just know that I am not experiencing the full rewards of my personal relationship with Christ. It's like a girl who only hangs out with her boyfriend in groups - it can still be a good relationship, but there's something missing.