Smiling Tentatively

(The picture is my favorite from our engagement photos, and represents how I feel right now).

These last three weeks have been wonderful.

Since changing my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, I can honestly say this is the first time since being married that I am happy with myself. Every day, I compare how I feel now with how I felt then: Then, I took no pleasure in taking care of the house; it was just something I had to do - and I did it poorly. Then, I felt like all I ever did was apologize to people: for being emotional, for having a messy house, for not inviting them over, for talking too much or not being sociable enough. The best way for me to describe how awesome I feel now it to tell you - it's the opposite of then.

I'm not quite used to this new life yet, and I'm terrified I'll go back to the old one. I have this idea that if I get to a point where my medication doesn't work anymore, I will go right back to my then mentality. See, I know how to cling to truth and believe things even when I don't feel them - but it doesn't change the fact that depression and anxiety affect me. My moods, my decisions, my intuition, my reading of people, my time, my actions. Talking and counseling help, but they don't fix depression.

Now, I know God can do anything. He can work with or without medication. But even when I get just a whiff of anxiety in the midst of all this joy, it's completely debilitating. I understand that sometimes we have to embrace truth when we don't feel it. But what about when you never feel it, for months and months? You live, and you try to take care of yourself and others, and you go to Bible study and pray and give to the church. But you know you're not really living.

So, the idea is that when/if the depression/anxiety comes back, I will fall right back into my old physical and emotional habits, because I will be unable to live a normal life. I'm scared to share this idea, because so often people think (and even I sometimes think) that if I just keep a positive attitude, cling to the Lord, and cling to truth, I can force myself to take care of my responsibilities. But now that I'm out of the cloud, I realize that I was really, truly, unable to do more than the bare minimum. I'm afraid that my "I can't" is perceived as "I won't," and I'm also afraid that by saying "I can't" I'm just enabling myself to fail.

I mentioned that I still get whiffs of anxiety. So far I've had two anxious mornings in the midst of my three week glory. Those mornings I woke up with a heavy stomach, unable to eat, fighting every impulse to climb back into bed. I set out to do my chores and cleaned the counter, only to start hyperventilating. Every time I took a breath, I got a rush of adrenaline, which made me breathe faster. So I curled up on the couch and watched three episodes of Grey's Anatomy. And by lunchtime the anxiety was gone.

But what do I do when I'm anxious or depressed all the time? Sure, I can make myself do some things, but I'm definitely not capable of cooking/cleaning to the level I should, and certainly not capable of maintaining relationships or working on projects.

Sorry I'm rambling. Here it is, in a nutshell:

Confession: I'm afraid that I will eventually slip back into depression and anxiety.
Confession: I'm afraid that people will think that I'm using depression as an excuse for not getting things done.
Confession: I'm afraid I will use depression as an excuse without knowing it, because depression scrambles my brain so I don't even know what I'm capable of.

You can't talk someone out of depression. But you can be a friend as they struggle to leave the cloud - and you can remind them to keep fighting to leave the cloud. You can remind them of the dangers of false emotions. And you can encourage them to see a doctor. Again, nobody "likes" to take medication, but if medication helps you become the person God wants you to be, then it's a sin not to take it.