Gossip

There are so many ways to sin through gossip that I will probably have several posts on this.

Confession: I LOVE to gossip. It's wrong, but it's probably the sin I enjoy most.

It starts by talking with Joleen about Karen. Joleen says, "Sometimes I get the impression that Karen's a little bossy." My gossip warning lights flash, but I think, "what's wrong with saying someone is bossy? If it's true, why not say it? After all, I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I'm just acknowledging that Karen isn't either."

As I talk with Joleen about Karen, I feel closer to Joleen. You know that "common enemy" phenomenon, where two people become closer if they're suddenly on the same "side?" Karen isn't an enemy, but suddenly Joleen and I are on the mature side, and we both see Karen on the immature side.

We buffer our comments with things like, "Oh, I'm sure she has no idea she sounds so bossy" and "Gosh, I love Karen to death" and "She is really a generous person." But focusing on her good traits doesn't change the fact that we were just gossiping about her. The next time the three of us are together and Karen says something bossy, Joleen and I will exchange meaningful glances and shake our heads ruefully. "That Karen," we'll say later, laughing. "She needs a filter on her mouth!" We are effectively shutting her out from the formerly intimate friendship she had with us. We are starting a clique.

The benefit of gossip is that you get closer to the people you talk to. The detriment of gossip is that you alienate the people you talk about - maybe not physically, but mentally. Girls love gossip because they crave closeness, and gossip doesn't seem to hurt anyone - but it does, as illustrated above, or in this article, How Gossip Hurts Friendships.

One hard part for me is that I want to tell. If Karen says something terribly rude to me, my first instinct is to find someone to tell, to be shocked with me, to validate my feelings. Outrage loves company.

So I resolve not to tell. But eventually I almost always do. Sometimes I think, "The incident has happened long enough ago, it's okay to talk about it now." Sometimes I'm low in the self esteem department, and I need to push someone down just a little bit so that I can feel higher. Sometimes I take the human rights route and say I deserve to express my feelings, and it's the other person's fault anyway, and it's a free country.

Honestly, I don't know where the line is here. My conscience is so screwed up when it comes to gossip, I can justify almost anything.

But one thing I have learned through my one year of marriage is that not everything needs to be said. I used to feel that telling everything was a need. I still feel that way, but I'm realizing it's not actually a physical need. If I really can't hold something in, I'll write in my journal.

Silence is a skill I have yet to master. I must remember that I can think in my head, not out loud. I can wait to tell Joe about the leaky sink until he has a day off work. I can keep my thoughts about Joleen to myself.

The only way to talk crap about people without gossiping is to tell it to God.