I didn't want to post today. Today was mostly another Lazy Day. And I didn't want to admit that, despite confessing this sin several mere days ago, I've fallen again.
Because ideally, I would confess a sin and then it would never happen again. But I must remember - I am not "ideal." Sinners sin. If they can't find a new sin to do, they'll repeat an old one.
I think this is where many Christians get discouraged; I know it never fails to discourage me. It did today. A person sins; he is genuinely repentant; he lives in joy and freedom for a while, and then he repeats the sin. He wonders if God will offer grace this time, knowing that he can't be trusted with it. When he learns that God will offer grace, he is afraid to accept it, knowing he will let God down again.
For me, this is the stage where the sin imprisons me. I feel so unworthy and dirty that I fail to talk to God about it. Through this, Satan gets a foothold on my mind. Through the foothold, he encourages me to sin more and worse, and I am constantly alienating myself from God in my efforts to find happiness. Make no mistake: God is reaching for me, chasing me - but I'm digging in my mud hole, head down, determined to make myself as wretched as I feel.
In these cases, only truth can break Satan's hold over me. I feel I don't deserve forgiveness, so I refuse it. But here's the truth: Jesus isn't forgiving me because he's Jesus and that's what he does. He isn't forgiving me reluctantly. He's doing it out of love - the kind of love a husband has for his wife.
I've sinned against my husband a LOT of times. And every time I apologize and ask for forgiveness, I expect to receive it. Because I know he loves me. That's how God wants me to approach him: knowing I will receive it because he loves me. And the following things make no difference:
- I should have known better.
- I've asked forgiveness for this before.
- I promised I wouldn't do this again.
- But this is a really bad sin. Not like gossiping or being lazy. This sin is sexual. Or abusive.
Matthew 18:21-22 is the source of the well known phrase "seventy times seven." I remember always feeling indignant when Christ told us to forgive our brother seventy times seven. In my mind, a true Christian wouldn't put a number on it; I mean, how would you even know when a person got to 490 sins without keeping a log? And keeping a log would violate Paul's admonition that love keeps no record of wrong.
Of course, that's the point. Peter asked, "Should I forgive my brother up to seven times?" and instead of saying "Sheesh, Peter, forgive him every time!" Jesus gave him concrete numbers that would relate Peter's assumption to the truth. He did it to help Peter understand the concept of unlimited forgiveness. Of course, Christ was talking about humans forgiving humans; but won't Christ offer you even vaster depths of forgiveness than a human would?
Start counting up your sins. Make a list. When you get to 490, God will keep forgiving you. I'm serious.
So why didn't I want to write this post? Pride. Because a Christian looks so godly if she confesses her sins, but she doesn't look godly if she can't learn her freaking lesson. And I, sinner that I am, worry about what people think of me. Sometimes I say I don't, especially when I am feeling joyful in the Lord. But usually I'm lying.
Comments
Post a Comment