Okay, so, I've decided if the five stages of grief are real, I am in the
acceptance/denial stage (yeah, I know you think they are opposites.)
Acceptance - I spend time crying - really crying - about the things I might not get to have, that I long for.
Denial - And then I spend time planning how I am going to get those things RIGHT NOW and if I just try hard enough, I'll never even know that I have some physical limitations.
Both are supposedly "normal" responses...but neither are really wise to dwell in. I'm not resting. I'm not satisfied with just my Lord. Everyone else is praying for me - I don't pray, not even for me. I have probably never had this much prayer - even acquaintances are praying for me - but here my heart is so very focused on myself.
Worse, I'm focused on how others perceive my struggle. I'm trying to be honest, but I do deflect with humor, and I do feel self-conscious. Sometimes I don't mind the wheelchair and sometimes I really really hate it and feel sub-human. And I've been really open about this whole process so I feel like people expect some wisdom from me, or at least to be privy to all the things I'm going to.
I feel like more of a sinner now than I was before, probably because I'm forced to be alone with my thoughts.
I hate this house because we have two empty bedrooms and it is so quiet, and I have turned into a leech, practically begging people to come over. I hate that it is not only not clean, but it is not tidy. Things are in the wrong places and it's so hard to go around and put everything where it goes. I don't like using the wheelchair in the house if I can help it, it's bulky - plus we keep it in the garage and obviously I can't bring it in the house by myself.
My friend Heather has really been helping, since she has gone through all of this, and then some. I even snapped at her last night when she encouraged me that I might start feeling better or have a remission soon and I was like "You don't know that!" Real Christian of me. I do have fears. And it's normal to have them but I must take them to the cross.
I don't want to spend time with God. I have the time, my Bible is right here, the fire is going and it's cozy and I have tea and I have the next six hours alone, and I only want to sleep even though I'm not sleepy because that will block out the world for a few hours, and after that I'll eat junk food, and then I'll play computer games.
Sometimes I feel really thankful that I have use of my arms and my eyes and my brain and that I have so much help, and sometimes I'm just so freaking ANGRY and frustrated...seriously sometimes I think I have never felt such rage before, and I can't even kick something. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I have a spiritual problem but I'm being stubborn and don't want to fix it.
Acceptance - I spend time crying - really crying - about the things I might not get to have, that I long for.
Denial - And then I spend time planning how I am going to get those things RIGHT NOW and if I just try hard enough, I'll never even know that I have some physical limitations.
Both are supposedly "normal" responses...but neither are really wise to dwell in. I'm not resting. I'm not satisfied with just my Lord. Everyone else is praying for me - I don't pray, not even for me. I have probably never had this much prayer - even acquaintances are praying for me - but here my heart is so very focused on myself.
Worse, I'm focused on how others perceive my struggle. I'm trying to be honest, but I do deflect with humor, and I do feel self-conscious. Sometimes I don't mind the wheelchair and sometimes I really really hate it and feel sub-human. And I've been really open about this whole process so I feel like people expect some wisdom from me, or at least to be privy to all the things I'm going to.
I feel like more of a sinner now than I was before, probably because I'm forced to be alone with my thoughts.
I hate this house because we have two empty bedrooms and it is so quiet, and I have turned into a leech, practically begging people to come over. I hate that it is not only not clean, but it is not tidy. Things are in the wrong places and it's so hard to go around and put everything where it goes. I don't like using the wheelchair in the house if I can help it, it's bulky - plus we keep it in the garage and obviously I can't bring it in the house by myself.
My friend Heather has really been helping, since she has gone through all of this, and then some. I even snapped at her last night when she encouraged me that I might start feeling better or have a remission soon and I was like "You don't know that!" Real Christian of me. I do have fears. And it's normal to have them but I must take them to the cross.
I don't want to spend time with God. I have the time, my Bible is right here, the fire is going and it's cozy and I have tea and I have the next six hours alone, and I only want to sleep even though I'm not sleepy because that will block out the world for a few hours, and after that I'll eat junk food, and then I'll play computer games.
Sometimes I feel really thankful that I have use of my arms and my eyes and my brain and that I have so much help, and sometimes I'm just so freaking ANGRY and frustrated...seriously sometimes I think I have never felt such rage before, and I can't even kick something. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I have a spiritual problem but I'm being stubborn and don't want to fix it.
I treasure your honesty. I completely cannot relate to what you are going through physically, but I completely understand the feelings that come with it. You are strong because you are working through it. You are addressing it. And you would be abnormal if you were not feeling these things.
ReplyDeleteI would be happy to come over and tidy up your house for you.
Elizabeth