Ouch! (When Christians Disagree)

Introduction

I’ve noticed that unbelievers in today’s world tout a principle called “tolerance.” They use this word to mean: “Whatever you want to believe, it’s just as valid as what I believe.” Following this definition, a “tolerant” person will believe his truth, and will not try to convince others to agree with him.

Christians believe the Truth that God will punish sin unless we appeal to Jesus for pardon. If someone does not believe that, they will be damned. If we follow the practice of “tolerance” as stated to the definition above, then we are effectively condemning them with our inaction to exhort them to truth.

So how do we react when we disagree with someone we know to be a believer? Knee-jerk responses appear below:

1. Use Scripture to show them their error. This seems like the Christian thing to do. (2 Timothy 3:16-17, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.")
2. Use our own exhortations/share our own wisdom. This seems biblical. (James 5:19-20, "My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back^, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.")

When we have done these things, if the person still does not believe, we have followed the biblical procedure, and we need do nothing else – right?

Right! But I believe we often misuse these principles to the detriment of our own brothers and sisters. I want to examine four areas we might consider when correcting a fellow Christian’s beliefs.

• The Full Picture – If a believer says something that sounds completely ridiculous, do I make an effort to understand exactly what he means before I respond?
• The Humility Factor – Am I as right as I think I am?
• The Love Factor – What does it look like to “speak the truth in love?”
• The Bottom Line – What will be the consequence if I am unable to convince this person of the truth?

The Full Picture

If you have ever used the phrase, “I’m sorry, I misunderstood,” then you know it can take several attempts, using different words, to convey meaning. I believe this is a result of sin going back to the Tower of Babel. When people worked together to build a tower to heaven, God frustrated their languages so they could no longer understand each other. Even though English speakers all speak English, have you noticed how often we are misunderstood?

When we hear something crazy coming from the mouth of a fellow believer, it is respectful and beneficial to make sure we understand exactly what he means.
Here’s a possible outplay of a knee-jerk reaction to a believer’s statement of craziness:

1. Him: “[Theological statement that sounds untrue.]”
2. You: “What the heck?! [Scripture]! [Scripture]! How can you believe that?”
3. Him: “Why are you so shocked? [Scripture]! [Scripture]! What’s your problem?”
4. You: “Wait…are you saying [your interpretation of his statement]?”
5. Him: “WHAT? No! I’m saying [restatement].”
6. You: “Oh. Well of course I believe that!”

Of course, steps 2 and 3 are often repeated over and over before step 4 is reached. And what happens to the relationship? Hopefully, trust won’t be broken. When people don’t make an effort to understand what I say, then I avoid talking to them because it’s not worth the hassle.

Note: It is also our responsibility to make sure we are communicating as clearly as possible, but there is never a guarantee that our meaning will be completely and accurately conveyed, even through our best efforts.

The Humility Factor

After getting the full picture, I must consider if there is any possibility I could be partially or completely wrong. In order for me to consider this, I must have a right view of myself.

Consider how many times you have heard people make statements that you know to be incorrect. Now, consider the likelihood that you have ever made a statement that someone else has known to be incorrect. If both of these instances happen, then is there a chance that sometimes you could be the incorrect one?

If you can grasp this, you can grasp the “humility factor.” If not, you’re essentially saying that you are more knowledgeable than everyone else. And if you really believe you’re more knowledgeable than everyone else, then you’re not going to be reading this post! Here's some Biblical backup:

James 3:16-17 (context: The first half of this chapter is about the destructive power of the human tongue.)
"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.


James 3:1 (context: This verse comes just before a section about the destructive power of the human tongue.)
"Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness."

I’d argue that anyone who attempts to correct a brother’s belief is attempting to teach, and should heed this verse to be absolutely sure that they are teaching truth.


The Love Factor

Ephesians 4:15-16
^"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

This is a simple but grossly underpracticed principle in much Christian discussion. After deciding your response to your confused brethren, you must spend deep thought considering how you will present it. This includes:

• Word choice. Which sounds more loving?
  
  • “You’re being ridiculous!”
  • “I don’t understand.”
• Sentence structure. Which sounds more loving?
  
  • “You are way off base.”
  • “I admit, I’m having trouble following your argument.”
• Sincerity. Which sounds more loving?
  
  • “So you really believe that [insulting possible conclusion]?”
  • “I may be mistaken, but it sounds like you’re saying that [insulting possible conclusion]. Am I right or am I way off base?”

Again, let me share this verse. Italics are my notes.

James 3:16-17 (context: The first half of this chapter is about the destructive power of the human tongue.)
"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist (Note that all the "loving" examples I provided were "I" statements, while the "unloving" examples were "you" statements.), there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere."

And how can we ignore 1 Corinthians 13? Here are a few snippets, again with my notes in italics:

"...And if I have prophetic powers (to prophesy is to share truth from God, so I would argue this applies closely) and understand all mysteries and all knowledge (as if you could! But if you did...) ...and have not love, I am nothing...Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth."

The Bottom Line, or Knowing When to Stop

If the Christian goes on believing his or her untruth, what will happen as a result?

Will he no longer be saved?

Or, if you believe the “once saved always saved” principle, then will his belief in an untruth be proof that he never was saved?

If the consequences will not be severe, the discussion doesn’t have to be dramatic. You can discuss differing beliefs with a friend and leave the discussion with more, not less, respect for each other.

If the consequences will be severe, leading to a Holy-Spirit-induced strongly felt need to convince another person of a truth, then we must be even more careful with our “big picture, humility factor, and love factor” skills, or we risk losing the opportunity to bring the brother to understanding. We also risk alienating them from relationship with us or others, and that is never appropriate within the body.

I don’t always know which battles are worth fighting. I just know that some battles aren’t as important as others.

Conclusion

It’s no wonder that unbelievers say, “Who would want to be a Christian? Look how they disagree amongst themselves!”

We can still disagree. But if we turn our disagreements into fights, what message does that send to the world? We are supposed to be drawing them in.

Imagine an orphan interviewing potential adoptive families. Would she choose the family that uses hostile tones with each other, accusing and insulting one another? Or would she choose the family that says “We have flaws and we disagree sometimes, but the most important thing is that we love Jesus and we love each other"?