So, my last post was pretty whiney. I knew this even as I wrote it. I'm tempted to delete it now, but that would be hiding evidence that I'm a sinner - and exposing myself as a sinner is the whole purpose of this blog.
I'm not saying I can't whine once in a while. But when I do, I probably shouldn't whine publicly, and I probably shouldn't post them in writing for my 500 facebook friends to see. (And on that note - I never delete any friends, even the ones I barely see anymore...what's with that? Is it somehow cool to be able to say "I may have less than 10 really close friends, but sometime in my life I've met at least 500 people?")
Back to topic:
I'm leaving my job. Wednesday is my last day, for various personal reasons. The more I look at the big picture of my journey over the last 8 months of working, the more I'm convinced that God orchestrated this end to my "assignment."
My Assignment
I call this "My Assignment" because that's how I tried to view my work there, from the start. I can't find it now, but before I started my job, I composed a list of my goals. They went something like this:
1. I want to glorify Jesus to others.
2. I want every conversation to portray Jesus' love.
3. I want to share the gospel wherever possible.
4. I want to do my work to the best of my ability, for Christ's sake and not my own.
I was pretty good about keeping this perspective for the first few weeks I was there. After that, it was on-again, off-again. But as long as I kept that as my purpose, and did those things to the best of my ability, I knew that God was pleased with me, and it didn't matter what others thought or said. (Or, at least, that's what I repeatedly told myself, even if I had a hard time accepting it!)
So, I put my notice in. And this Saturday I went into work for five hours to try to wrap some stuff up. A coworker came in and saw me, and was incredulous.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Working."
"No! I mean, why are you working on a Saturday, when you're leaving on Wednesday? Don't you just want to get out of here?" she asked.
I was straight up with her. "I believe I'm on an assignment from God," I told her. "From the time I've started working until now, I have worked to do my job and my relationships and my life to the best of my ability. This particular assignment is ending, and I won't spend my last days here doing anything other than my best!
"And to do my best, I really need to spend some more time on these projects because there is no way I can get them completed by Wednesday otherwise, and I want to ensure I don't leave any loose ends for others to have to clean up."
Signs
I know I don't have to justify myself, but since you've been with me on my journey with bipolar/anxiety/depression, I feel I need to share how clear God has been, and how excited I am to know why he is moving me out of my job right now. Though I have migraines, he isn't moving me because of my migraines; though I am disillusioned, disappointed, and mistrusting of some of the company's leadership, he isn't moving me because it's too hard for me or because he wants to protect me from them. Though I feel overwhelmed, he isn't moving me so that I'll be less stressed. He's moving me because my assignment is ended, and here are some indications of what's in store for me.
About a year ago (already!) I started a new medication for my newly-diagnosed bipolar disorder. This medication takes about three months to titrate up to a full dose. Two months after I started the medication, I interviewed for the job I currently have, and was turned down.
Because I was turned down, I:
1. Got to go to Ecuador with my husband to visit our msisionaries
2. Got to experience the victory of my medication kicking in, so I could actually function.
We returned from our Ecuador trip to a phone message from the same company I'd interviewed at, asking me to come in for another interview. The person they'd hired three months ago hadn't worked out. And I got the job!
Oh, I loved it. I couldn't stop raving about the company, the people, and how much I loved my work. (By the way, I still like my actual work.) In fact, up until about three weeks ago, though I was annoyed with some people (as everyone is in every workplace,) I still felt great about everything.
When things changed, I felt it was an injustice. But given where I was before, now I get to do some things I didn't before:
1. Now that I'm on working medication, I can function. I can serve my husband the way I want to, by cooking great meals and making him lunch and keeping the house clean.
2. I can do projects! Rarely do I have the manic and depressive episodes that one week left me listening to sermons all day, and the next day in bed all day, and the next day cleaning the house like a mad woman.
3. When we're ready, I can have kids. I'm grateful to have found a medication that works before having kids, so they will only have to deal with my basic sinfulness and not with the additional craziness of bipolar.
Many of you know it's my dream to be a mother and a wife, and I believe this desire is from God. He has ended my assignment because it's time for me to focus on that (or at least the "wife" part for now.) Isn't that wonderful?
I'm not saying I can't whine once in a while. But when I do, I probably shouldn't whine publicly, and I probably shouldn't post them in writing for my 500 facebook friends to see. (And on that note - I never delete any friends, even the ones I barely see anymore...what's with that? Is it somehow cool to be able to say "I may have less than 10 really close friends, but sometime in my life I've met at least 500 people?")
Back to topic:
I'm leaving my job. Wednesday is my last day, for various personal reasons. The more I look at the big picture of my journey over the last 8 months of working, the more I'm convinced that God orchestrated this end to my "assignment."
My Assignment
I call this "My Assignment" because that's how I tried to view my work there, from the start. I can't find it now, but before I started my job, I composed a list of my goals. They went something like this:
1. I want to glorify Jesus to others.
2. I want every conversation to portray Jesus' love.
3. I want to share the gospel wherever possible.
4. I want to do my work to the best of my ability, for Christ's sake and not my own.
I was pretty good about keeping this perspective for the first few weeks I was there. After that, it was on-again, off-again. But as long as I kept that as my purpose, and did those things to the best of my ability, I knew that God was pleased with me, and it didn't matter what others thought or said. (Or, at least, that's what I repeatedly told myself, even if I had a hard time accepting it!)
So, I put my notice in. And this Saturday I went into work for five hours to try to wrap some stuff up. A coworker came in and saw me, and was incredulous.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Working."
"No! I mean, why are you working on a Saturday, when you're leaving on Wednesday? Don't you just want to get out of here?" she asked.
I was straight up with her. "I believe I'm on an assignment from God," I told her. "From the time I've started working until now, I have worked to do my job and my relationships and my life to the best of my ability. This particular assignment is ending, and I won't spend my last days here doing anything other than my best!
"And to do my best, I really need to spend some more time on these projects because there is no way I can get them completed by Wednesday otherwise, and I want to ensure I don't leave any loose ends for others to have to clean up."
Signs
I know I don't have to justify myself, but since you've been with me on my journey with bipolar/anxiety/depression, I feel I need to share how clear God has been, and how excited I am to know why he is moving me out of my job right now. Though I have migraines, he isn't moving me because of my migraines; though I am disillusioned, disappointed, and mistrusting of some of the company's leadership, he isn't moving me because it's too hard for me or because he wants to protect me from them. Though I feel overwhelmed, he isn't moving me so that I'll be less stressed. He's moving me because my assignment is ended, and here are some indications of what's in store for me.
About a year ago (already!) I started a new medication for my newly-diagnosed bipolar disorder. This medication takes about three months to titrate up to a full dose. Two months after I started the medication, I interviewed for the job I currently have, and was turned down.
Because I was turned down, I:
1. Got to go to Ecuador with my husband to visit our msisionaries
2. Got to experience the victory of my medication kicking in, so I could actually function.
We returned from our Ecuador trip to a phone message from the same company I'd interviewed at, asking me to come in for another interview. The person they'd hired three months ago hadn't worked out. And I got the job!
Oh, I loved it. I couldn't stop raving about the company, the people, and how much I loved my work. (By the way, I still like my actual work.) In fact, up until about three weeks ago, though I was annoyed with some people (as everyone is in every workplace,) I still felt great about everything.
When things changed, I felt it was an injustice. But given where I was before, now I get to do some things I didn't before:
1. Now that I'm on working medication, I can function. I can serve my husband the way I want to, by cooking great meals and making him lunch and keeping the house clean.
2. I can do projects! Rarely do I have the manic and depressive episodes that one week left me listening to sermons all day, and the next day in bed all day, and the next day cleaning the house like a mad woman.
3. When we're ready, I can have kids. I'm grateful to have found a medication that works before having kids, so they will only have to deal with my basic sinfulness and not with the additional craziness of bipolar.
Many of you know it's my dream to be a mother and a wife, and I believe this desire is from God. He has ended my assignment because it's time for me to focus on that (or at least the "wife" part for now.) Isn't that wonderful?
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