Seven months ago, I got a full time job which I loved. I loved the company, I loved the people, I loved my work. And even up until a month ago, I thought I loved it just as much.
The migraines jump-started a conversation where it was revealed that some people were being dishonest about my job performance. I sought feedback and always received, "You're doing great, Amber - keep it up, you're excellent at your job, this is a great fit for you." In the last month, that has turned to "It's okay, this position just isn't a good fit for you." It turned out the same people who said I was so great were complaining about me, gossiping about me, and even lying to make me look bad. I mean, like lying to say that I left early when I didn't, so that when my boss looks at my timesheet it looks like I may have been stealing time from the company.
.
The worst thing is, this has happened to me before, except more severely. At another job, I sensed people weren't happy with me. I spoke with them about it, spoke to my boss about it, was extra nice - but never received any negative feedback. So I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed I was being paranoid. Finally, my boss got tired of me asking him "Are you sure everybody's more or less happy with me?" He took me out to Starbucks and pulled out a typed three-page list of all the things that people had complained about me. It was the most devastating day of my life that I have had thus far, to learn that a group of people essentially hated me. And yes, many of those things were outright lies too.
I am a trusting person, I know. And I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know people are sinners. But my word, is something wrong with me that this happens with so many people?!
At my current workplace, I made instant friends with one Christian woman. We had so much in common. It was due to her influence that I actually got hired. Then, a few weeks in, she stopped talking to me except when necessary. I heaped the kindness on. Several times she even tried to make me look incompetent (of course at the time I convinced myself otherwise). Her best friend once asked me, "Is everything alright between you two?" I said, "As far as I know - I mean, she hasn't told me that I've offended her or anything."
Now, I finally know - she was offended by something I said seven months ago. And when I heard how she interpreted what I said, I just laughed, because her interpretation goes totally against my beliefs. So for seven months she gossiped about me, damaged my reputation, hurt me by avoiding me - all because she misinterpreted something I said. And she didn't tell me. (She still hasn't told me; a coworker did.)
These last two weeks at work, every day is harder than the last. People know I'm leaving, and they are actually saying really hurtful things. In the "here's something I don't like about you, just kidding" kind of way. Every day. I wish I could just work nights!
People are sinners. I am a Christian and Satan will use people to attack me if possible. But I still can't help wondering - what is wrong with me? Do people not tell me my faults because they think my faults should be obvious to me? Well FYI, they are not obvious - I need people to tell me when I'm offending. Because I'm clueless, and I'm an expert sinner, and people who are really good at sinning don't even know when they're doing it.
My last day is the 20th. I am working as hard as I can to get projects done before I leave, to write up processes and procedures for the stuff I've changed. Joe is being so supportive and amazing.
But I still wake up every morning and can hardly get out of bed. At work I watch the clock and every hour, I congratulate myself that it's one hour less I'll be there. I try to work more than 8 hours each day so if someone really destroys me emotionally, I can take off early.
Pray pray pray for me. It gets worse every day.
The migraines jump-started a conversation where it was revealed that some people were being dishonest about my job performance. I sought feedback and always received, "You're doing great, Amber - keep it up, you're excellent at your job, this is a great fit for you." In the last month, that has turned to "It's okay, this position just isn't a good fit for you." It turned out the same people who said I was so great were complaining about me, gossiping about me, and even lying to make me look bad. I mean, like lying to say that I left early when I didn't, so that when my boss looks at my timesheet it looks like I may have been stealing time from the company.
.
The worst thing is, this has happened to me before, except more severely. At another job, I sensed people weren't happy with me. I spoke with them about it, spoke to my boss about it, was extra nice - but never received any negative feedback. So I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed I was being paranoid. Finally, my boss got tired of me asking him "Are you sure everybody's more or less happy with me?" He took me out to Starbucks and pulled out a typed three-page list of all the things that people had complained about me. It was the most devastating day of my life that I have had thus far, to learn that a group of people essentially hated me. And yes, many of those things were outright lies too.
I am a trusting person, I know. And I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know people are sinners. But my word, is something wrong with me that this happens with so many people?!
At my current workplace, I made instant friends with one Christian woman. We had so much in common. It was due to her influence that I actually got hired. Then, a few weeks in, she stopped talking to me except when necessary. I heaped the kindness on. Several times she even tried to make me look incompetent (of course at the time I convinced myself otherwise). Her best friend once asked me, "Is everything alright between you two?" I said, "As far as I know - I mean, she hasn't told me that I've offended her or anything."
Now, I finally know - she was offended by something I said seven months ago. And when I heard how she interpreted what I said, I just laughed, because her interpretation goes totally against my beliefs. So for seven months she gossiped about me, damaged my reputation, hurt me by avoiding me - all because she misinterpreted something I said. And she didn't tell me. (She still hasn't told me; a coworker did.)
These last two weeks at work, every day is harder than the last. People know I'm leaving, and they are actually saying really hurtful things. In the "here's something I don't like about you, just kidding" kind of way. Every day. I wish I could just work nights!
People are sinners. I am a Christian and Satan will use people to attack me if possible. But I still can't help wondering - what is wrong with me? Do people not tell me my faults because they think my faults should be obvious to me? Well FYI, they are not obvious - I need people to tell me when I'm offending. Because I'm clueless, and I'm an expert sinner, and people who are really good at sinning don't even know when they're doing it.
My last day is the 20th. I am working as hard as I can to get projects done before I leave, to write up processes and procedures for the stuff I've changed. Joe is being so supportive and amazing.
But I still wake up every morning and can hardly get out of bed. At work I watch the clock and every hour, I congratulate myself that it's one hour less I'll be there. I try to work more than 8 hours each day so if someone really destroys me emotionally, I can take off early.
Pray pray pray for me. It gets worse every day.
Dearest Amber- I will say a prayer for you because you deserve a prayer. You did an outstanding job for people who did not appreciate you or treat you with the respect you deserve. When you leave you will realize how toxic the place is. When I tell people some of the things that happened to me they can't believe it. I know I should say a prayer for those who remain but I just can't. Just remember there are those of us who always thought you were (and still are) fab-you-lous!!! Sarah
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks! I guess I thought maybe I was just being ungrateful. I tell my husband about it and he uses a lot of words like "idiots" and "stupid jerks" and "punks," and then I say "Well, it's not THAT bad." I really thought it was a good place to work. It was, as long as I was in "the clique." Now I'm out of it and I see some people for who they really are. It seems like some people are pretending I'm already gone!
ReplyDeleteI'm staying up wayyy too late every night because I just enjoy being..well, anywhere else! I didn't realize you were that miserable. You always seemed so lighthearted! I want to be like you!
wow that's crazy Amber, I can't believe how easily offended and nasty your work environment is! I just got out of a really negative work environment, and even though none of the negativity was directed at me, it was still unbearable and really brought me down. I will be praying for you, you need strength to maintain a positive frame of mind. I remember on really tough days I would meditate on how deeply Christ loved me because some days I felt unappreciated or incapable of doing a good job and not messing up. I pray you can sense how deeply loved you are, by our loving Father and by me. You can get through it!
ReplyDeleteAmber, I can soooo relate! My last 9+ months (minus the 6 weeks I was on medical leave for my surgery) were nearly miserable for me! I worked very, very hard, being the only one who did my job, while being completely unappreciated. It became like I couldn't do anything good enough. Many insulting things, too. I could go on & on, but won't. Well, in the end, SPH did me a favor. I'm in a much better position, etc. I may never know why the Lord had me persevere so many months- maybe it was about getting the time for my surgery & PT. I do miss casual Fridays, and my easy 20 minute commute; but I love actually doing accounting, I love even more my flexible hours and being treated like and working with adults, who actually work when they are at work. The huge pay increase is frosting on the cake, too!
ReplyDeleteSo, you shouldn't let this in anyway define you. "this position just isn't a good fit for you" is bogus! You were a marvelous asset for SPH. Kudos to you for continuing to work hard to the last hour. Leave with no regrets!
Thank you Mary! I'm finding that what I thought was "normal workplace drama" is actually vitriol. Today was my last day. I'm remembering all the good things today and I miss so many people already.
ReplyDelete