The expert sinner needs to confess: I feel like a really bad Christian right now.
I've read my Bible a couple times in the last few weeks, and it's been as dry as the way-too-advanced-for-me theology books my mom made me read when I was too young to understand that they were actually not very good books (she has since apologized for that, by the way.) I remember reading those. I sat down with a timer and a ruler, and I read every single word that I was supposed to, and I grasped/retained/learned nothing. The ruler was to help my eyes focus on one line at a time (and maybe to measure the decreasing thickness of the remaining pages in the book?)
That's what I feel like when I read my Bible now. I'm trying to make myself finish Ezekiel before the end of the year because it's been months. Maybe even a year. I scan through it quickly, and make myself read the notes - the same notes I once claimed I loved because they helped me understand the passage. Now I just say "yeah, yeah, yeah" in my head as I read. I'm antsy and distracted the whole time. I leap up when my time is "done" and resolve to "get through" more chapters tomorrow.
Well, you say, that's what happens when you make Bible reading a chore. Why don't you read another part of the Bible for inspiration? Or maybe even just a Christian book to get you in the mood?
I am stubborn and I don't want to. It doesn't sound like fun. It requires too much concentration. I feel shallow and right now I like it. I like going through my house to-do list and playing computer games in between.
And relationships! I'm inward now. I'm not putting any effort to grow my relationships at work - much less my friendships from church, and outside of church. I'm not even putting much effort into my marriage. I guess it all makes sense - if my relationship with God is suffering, then my relationships with everyone else will suffer.
Maybe I'm depressed or something. But really I just feel selfish and shallow and stubborn and lazy.
As far as depression and other mental issues, here's an update: I have occasional bouts of anxiety and near panic attacks. I've taken my Xanax a few times, and once at work. But they are few and far between and I feel like I can manage them well.
I'm still having some bipolar highs and lows, but they are less frequent and shorter than before.
I know "bad Christian" is not the best term. "Struggling" is better. But is it struggling if I just don't care? "Apathetic." There.
And can I say, I also feel like a bad wife. Again, wrong term. But I haven't made lunches for us to take to work. I rarely make dinner. The house isn't awful, but I couldn't exactly call it "clean" either. We don't read our Bible together or Christian books. Our prayers are "hurry up and finish so we can eat."
I don't really want consolation. I know I can do better than I've been doing. I don't think this is just a phase unless it's a really long phase. No one can restore my relationship with God except me, because I know somehow that he's already reaching out to me.
Why do I feel so fulfilled at work, and not at home? I don't know if I am really mother material. I like kids and I'm good with them, but could I really handle them 24/7? What happens when I feel apathetic toward them, like sometimes I feel toward God and toward my husband? It's bad enough that I'm hurting those who love me now; do I really want to add children to the mix? I'm not a good example for anyone!
I'm not saying this to put myself down! I don't hate myself. Clearly I'm satisfied not pursuing a relationship with God right now. I should want change, but I don't. I'm not happy where I am but I'm not motivated enough to change.
I've read my Bible a couple times in the last few weeks, and it's been as dry as the way-too-advanced-for-me theology books my mom made me read when I was too young to understand that they were actually not very good books (she has since apologized for that, by the way.) I remember reading those. I sat down with a timer and a ruler, and I read every single word that I was supposed to, and I grasped/retained/learned nothing. The ruler was to help my eyes focus on one line at a time (and maybe to measure the decreasing thickness of the remaining pages in the book?)
That's what I feel like when I read my Bible now. I'm trying to make myself finish Ezekiel before the end of the year because it's been months. Maybe even a year. I scan through it quickly, and make myself read the notes - the same notes I once claimed I loved because they helped me understand the passage. Now I just say "yeah, yeah, yeah" in my head as I read. I'm antsy and distracted the whole time. I leap up when my time is "done" and resolve to "get through" more chapters tomorrow.
Well, you say, that's what happens when you make Bible reading a chore. Why don't you read another part of the Bible for inspiration? Or maybe even just a Christian book to get you in the mood?
I am stubborn and I don't want to. It doesn't sound like fun. It requires too much concentration. I feel shallow and right now I like it. I like going through my house to-do list and playing computer games in between.
And relationships! I'm inward now. I'm not putting any effort to grow my relationships at work - much less my friendships from church, and outside of church. I'm not even putting much effort into my marriage. I guess it all makes sense - if my relationship with God is suffering, then my relationships with everyone else will suffer.
Maybe I'm depressed or something. But really I just feel selfish and shallow and stubborn and lazy.
As far as depression and other mental issues, here's an update: I have occasional bouts of anxiety and near panic attacks. I've taken my Xanax a few times, and once at work. But they are few and far between and I feel like I can manage them well.
I'm still having some bipolar highs and lows, but they are less frequent and shorter than before.
I know "bad Christian" is not the best term. "Struggling" is better. But is it struggling if I just don't care? "Apathetic." There.
And can I say, I also feel like a bad wife. Again, wrong term. But I haven't made lunches for us to take to work. I rarely make dinner. The house isn't awful, but I couldn't exactly call it "clean" either. We don't read our Bible together or Christian books. Our prayers are "hurry up and finish so we can eat."
I don't really want consolation. I know I can do better than I've been doing. I don't think this is just a phase unless it's a really long phase. No one can restore my relationship with God except me, because I know somehow that he's already reaching out to me.
Why do I feel so fulfilled at work, and not at home? I don't know if I am really mother material. I like kids and I'm good with them, but could I really handle them 24/7? What happens when I feel apathetic toward them, like sometimes I feel toward God and toward my husband? It's bad enough that I'm hurting those who love me now; do I really want to add children to the mix? I'm not a good example for anyone!
I'm not saying this to put myself down! I don't hate myself. Clearly I'm satisfied not pursuing a relationship with God right now. I should want change, but I don't. I'm not happy where I am but I'm not motivated enough to change.
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