I recently switched to a tablet form of the medication I've been taking (instead of three capsules, just one tablet!) It is the same medication and the same amount, but just yesterday and today I've started realizing that the last few weeks haven't been as "normal" as usual for me. Here are some physical signs:
I talked to God but it felt one-sided. And then I fell asleep. Now I don't want to try talking to him again. It's been one-sided for a while. I hardly have the motivation to do a few basic chores, so how am I going to find the motivation to fight to talk with someone who is hidden? I just want to know what he thinks when I pray to the ceiling. Is he smiling benevolently because he loves me, but ignoring the problem in my head that is affecting everything? Does he think I'm doing fine now so he went away to help someone else? When I come for help does he just say "You're doing fine Amber, just keep doing what you're doing." Doesn't he realize I can't do anything without him, whether or not I have a working medication? Is he helping someone who has "real" problems like whose spouse or child has died?
With a human, I would be selfish to demand complete attention. But God has enough attention to give it all to me. I'm not ashamed to say I want it. I don't deserve it, of course. He is the creator, I am just the created. I sinned, I sin, I will sin. But guess what, God? When you declared me your daughter, you promised me things, things that were not contingent on my morality. And you promised you would never leave me - which in itself means you haven't because I believe you keep your promises. So whatever is keeping me from you, I need you to cut through my layers of mental armor until I can focus.
Ha. Not only am I helpless in the sense that I don't deserve God's attention, but I'm helpless even to reach out for it - and even helpless to pray to reach out for it. I guess that's the point of God's grace - that not only is it offered, but he comes down to my level to offer it to me, and then he helps me accept it. I know it's true but I don't know what that looks like right now.
Physical signs and mental signs, everything is pointing down. And I talk to myself and tell myself all the right things, like "you're safe here" and "you are capable" and "nothing has changed except the way you feel," but all I'm doing is deciding whether to look down or not as I fall.
- I had one half day of the same anxiety I used to have, where every chore was a battle, and I just wanted to sleep all day.
- I went for four days without taking a shower.
- I brushed my teeth about once every two days.
- The house slowly became less and less clean.
- I am starting to feel the confusion come in. I have a thought, a good thought - like something worthy to dwell on, or a line of reasoning that could lead to inspiration - but as soon as I try to focus on it, it's gone. I feel like I have a swirl of thoughts going around and my brain can only catch a few of them.
- My perception of time is whacked. I dread my responsibilities and hope the day will end before I have to do them.
- The days actually seem to go by faster, because I'm doing everything I can to mentally check out.
I talked to God but it felt one-sided. And then I fell asleep. Now I don't want to try talking to him again. It's been one-sided for a while. I hardly have the motivation to do a few basic chores, so how am I going to find the motivation to fight to talk with someone who is hidden? I just want to know what he thinks when I pray to the ceiling. Is he smiling benevolently because he loves me, but ignoring the problem in my head that is affecting everything? Does he think I'm doing fine now so he went away to help someone else? When I come for help does he just say "You're doing fine Amber, just keep doing what you're doing." Doesn't he realize I can't do anything without him, whether or not I have a working medication? Is he helping someone who has "real" problems like whose spouse or child has died?
With a human, I would be selfish to demand complete attention. But God has enough attention to give it all to me. I'm not ashamed to say I want it. I don't deserve it, of course. He is the creator, I am just the created. I sinned, I sin, I will sin. But guess what, God? When you declared me your daughter, you promised me things, things that were not contingent on my morality. And you promised you would never leave me - which in itself means you haven't because I believe you keep your promises. So whatever is keeping me from you, I need you to cut through my layers of mental armor until I can focus.
Ha. Not only am I helpless in the sense that I don't deserve God's attention, but I'm helpless even to reach out for it - and even helpless to pray to reach out for it. I guess that's the point of God's grace - that not only is it offered, but he comes down to my level to offer it to me, and then he helps me accept it. I know it's true but I don't know what that looks like right now.
Physical signs and mental signs, everything is pointing down. And I talk to myself and tell myself all the right things, like "you're safe here" and "you are capable" and "nothing has changed except the way you feel," but all I'm doing is deciding whether to look down or not as I fall.
Comments
Post a Comment