Confession: For an average of several hours every day for the last year, I have played computer games.
Is there some reason I feel worse confessing this than any other sin I've committed against another person, like gossiping or being bluntly and inappropriately honest?
Let me just say this: Computer/video games are not inherently sinful.
Even when I play them for too long, is that really a sin?
Even if I am addicted, is that really a sin?
Is it a sin if I do it occasionally, or only if I make it a habit?
The problem isn't exactly that I was sinning. The problem was that I was living like a slave when I'm not a slave. I was acting like it had power over me, and I really believed it did.
I started realizing more and more that I was addicted to this stupid game. I heard myself say things like, "I am NOT having fun, but I can't tear myself away." I found myself minimizing the screen when Joe came in the room because I was embarrassed about how much time I'd spent on it. But I still wasn't ready to give it up. I still felt like I needed it, to fill in the gaps where I couldn't be alone with my mind.
(FYI, the game isn't Farmville and I didn't do this, but I thought it was hilarious describing my situation!)
Then one morning last week I woke up very early for some reason, about 3 hours before Joe's alarm went off for work. I tried so hard to get back to sleep. When I couldn't, I started thinking about getting up.
Ugh, I mentally groaned. I don't want to get up. Because then I'll have to play that game and I REALLY don't want to!
My mouth dropped open and I almost laughed out loud. That was when the chain broke: instead of wondering if I really could give it up, I saw the game for the paltry non-priority it was. Instead of being angry for enchaining myself, I laughed in the face of my captor, who was suddenly without a slave.
Friends, I haven't gone back to it! Whenever I feel the least temptation, I ask myself, Do I really want to play it? Or am I avoiding something? Usually I'm avoiding something, especially if it's emotionally painful.
I might finish it some time. I haven't decided. If I do, it will be on my terms.
I need to confess I haven't been completely free of playing other games. But luckily they are not nearly as time-consuming, and I am not addicted to them. And I am learning to ask the same question: Am I playing this to have fun, or to avoid something?
Really it comes down to fear! I was afraid to deal with my problems of laziness and motivation. I was afraid to dig into my mind, so whenever I started to struggle emotionally, I immediately medicated my mind.
Now that I am not depressed, I realize that I used to think a lot of this was part of depression. Maybe it was. In my case, it was something that anti-depressants couldn't fix.
Can you believe it? I started this blog to confess my humanity, but neglected to share one of the most personally forming things about me: how I spend my time.
Is there some reason I feel worse confessing this than any other sin I've committed against another person, like gossiping or being bluntly and inappropriately honest?
Let me just say this: Computer/video games are not inherently sinful.
Even when I play them for too long, is that really a sin?
Even if I am addicted, is that really a sin?
Is it a sin if I do it occasionally, or only if I make it a habit?
- What if my game-playing affects the nutrition of my family like eating frozen pizza instead of chicken?
- What if it affects my family's finances because I never have meals prepared so we go out to eat more often, and I buy more prepared foods than normal?
- What if it affects my family's health as they breathe dusty air and mold from an uncleaned house?
The problem isn't exactly that I was sinning. The problem was that I was living like a slave when I'm not a slave. I was acting like it had power over me, and I really believed it did.
I started realizing more and more that I was addicted to this stupid game. I heard myself say things like, "I am NOT having fun, but I can't tear myself away." I found myself minimizing the screen when Joe came in the room because I was embarrassed about how much time I'd spent on it. But I still wasn't ready to give it up. I still felt like I needed it, to fill in the gaps where I couldn't be alone with my mind.
(FYI, the game isn't Farmville and I didn't do this, but I thought it was hilarious describing my situation!)
Then one morning last week I woke up very early for some reason, about 3 hours before Joe's alarm went off for work. I tried so hard to get back to sleep. When I couldn't, I started thinking about getting up.
Ugh, I mentally groaned. I don't want to get up. Because then I'll have to play that game and I REALLY don't want to!
My mouth dropped open and I almost laughed out loud. That was when the chain broke: instead of wondering if I really could give it up, I saw the game for the paltry non-priority it was. Instead of being angry for enchaining myself, I laughed in the face of my captor, who was suddenly without a slave.
Friends, I haven't gone back to it! Whenever I feel the least temptation, I ask myself, Do I really want to play it? Or am I avoiding something? Usually I'm avoiding something, especially if it's emotionally painful.
I might finish it some time. I haven't decided. If I do, it will be on my terms.
I need to confess I haven't been completely free of playing other games. But luckily they are not nearly as time-consuming, and I am not addicted to them. And I am learning to ask the same question: Am I playing this to have fun, or to avoid something?
Really it comes down to fear! I was afraid to deal with my problems of laziness and motivation. I was afraid to dig into my mind, so whenever I started to struggle emotionally, I immediately medicated my mind.
Now that I am not depressed, I realize that I used to think a lot of this was part of depression. Maybe it was. In my case, it was something that anti-depressants couldn't fix.
Can you believe it? I started this blog to confess my humanity, but neglected to share one of the most personally forming things about me: how I spend my time.
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