Blind Date
As soon as Jerry walks nervously into the restaurant lobby, he sees her - the girl in a spring green dress, perched on the edge of the restaurant's fake leather bench. She's bouncing her knees almost imperceptibly, eyes darting around, looking at faces. Looking for him.
Their eyes meet. He smiles and she does the same.
"Jessica?" he asks, striding forward and extending his hand.
"Yes! You must be Jerry!"
"Yep!"
An awkward silence follows while they grin at each other.
"Um," he says. "I've never been on a blind date before."
"Me neither!" she says winningly, relieving his butterflies. "Shall we get a table?"
They order their food, then sit back and regard each other closely. "So Jessica," he says, "Tell me about yourself!"
"What do you want to know?" she says with a mischievous smile that could hold many secrets.
"Everything!" he says enthusiastically.
"Everything?"
"About you. Your life. Things you like and don't like. You know, the usual."
Jerry is surprised to see the smile slip off Jessica's face. He wonders what he's done.
Jessica takes a sip of her water and leans against the booth. Her eyes hover, unfocused on him, as her mind struggles to place itself.
"Everything, then. Well, my life - my dad left when I was little, and my mom blamed me. She beat me daily and told me I was worthless, and soon I began to believe it. As a teenager I slept with a lot of boys to try to prove her wrong, but that only made me feel slutty. I got addicted to heroin and alcohol but I've been clean for two years."
"Oh my," is all Jerry can say. "You've certainly had a-"
"I was pregnant a few times, but miscarried. The doctor says I should probably not try to conceive again, because within a few days of a positive pregnancy test, I just start bleeding, you know?"
Jerry's eyes were glazed. He could only nod in horror.
"So that's my life. And things I like - well, I like boys, obviously. Boys are really the only thing I did in high school, if you catch my meaning!" She winks at him, and disgusted, he emits a nervous laugh. "Things I don't like - well, the list is pretty long so I'll just tell you what I can think of. I hate it when guys want to do something boring for a first date, like take me out to a restaurant."
Jerry's frozen, but manages to say good-humoredly, "Except this restaurant?"
"Nope, even this restaurant. And I don't really like it when guys dress all formal."
Jerry starts to sweat in his dress shirt and tie.
"Let's see...I hate pickles, and sweaty hands, and when people insist on leaving a few scraggly hairs of a beard instead of just shaving it off."
Jerry can't help but touch the unimpressive hairs on his own chin, which suddenly seems very itchy.
"There you go!" she says. "As you can see, I'm a very honest person. I am not afraid to tell you the truth. I am one of those people who will say what she thinks - I don't beat around the bush. You never have to guess where you stand when you're around me."
Helpless against Honesty
I get irked when people use the phrase "I'm just being honest" to hurt someone's feelings. Not only is the speaker promoting herself as an extra-moral person, but her target is helpless - because if she is "just being honest," then how can he react negatively? If he does react, then he "just doesn't want to hear the truth."
Have you ever heard someone use the phrase "I'm just being honest" as an excuse? Here are some examples I can think of.
I did this once. I had a friend, B, who confessed that she rarely, if ever, spent time in the Word. She said it offhandedly, which gave me the impression she didn't care, and that fired me up in all my Holy-Spirit powered glory (or what I thought was, anyway). "How is God going to speak to you if you don't read your Bible?" I asked her. She didn't answer. "You're robbing him of your company - and he loves you! You're sinning against him!"
As I kept talking, she became angry. "How dare you judge my spiritual life," she said, stomping off.
There I was, young and bewildered. I hadn't judged her spiritual life, I thought. She gave me a piece of information, and all I did was respond. All I did was tell her the truth.
I have never had a relationship sour that quickly. It was in school eight years ago and I still feel ashamed of it.
If I feel ashamed of it, did I do something wrong? All I did was remind her of truths that she herself knew. I wasn't going to baby her and tell her it was okay not to fill her spirit with God's word. I thought I was actually respecting her by reminding her of the truth and not beating around the bush.
Ephesians 4:15 talks about "speaking the truth in love," and this is an incredibly complicated idea! It doesn't just mean "speak the truth with good intentions." It involves when you say particular words to particular people. It involves your tone, your body language, the context of your conversation. It involves you perceiving the other person's needs by watching her body language and listening to her tone and her words, and taking into account everything that person has ever told you about her past and present. You have to decide if to speak the truth, and when, and how.
Here were some mistakes I made with my friend B.
We value realness. Transparency. Honesty. Truth. The black and white.
But there is a difference between being blunt and being honest. And being inappropriate and being honest. In the words of Ecclesiastes, there is a time to be blunt, and a time to be "inappropriate." But wow, do you see how much I damaged a relationship with one moment of inappropriate bluntness?
As soon as Jerry walks nervously into the restaurant lobby, he sees her - the girl in a spring green dress, perched on the edge of the restaurant's fake leather bench. She's bouncing her knees almost imperceptibly, eyes darting around, looking at faces. Looking for him.
Their eyes meet. He smiles and she does the same.
"Jessica?" he asks, striding forward and extending his hand.
"Yes! You must be Jerry!"
"Yep!"
An awkward silence follows while they grin at each other.
"Um," he says. "I've never been on a blind date before."
"Me neither!" she says winningly, relieving his butterflies. "Shall we get a table?"
They order their food, then sit back and regard each other closely. "So Jessica," he says, "Tell me about yourself!"
"What do you want to know?" she says with a mischievous smile that could hold many secrets.
"Everything!" he says enthusiastically.
"Everything?"
"About you. Your life. Things you like and don't like. You know, the usual."
Jerry is surprised to see the smile slip off Jessica's face. He wonders what he's done.
Jessica takes a sip of her water and leans against the booth. Her eyes hover, unfocused on him, as her mind struggles to place itself.
"Everything, then. Well, my life - my dad left when I was little, and my mom blamed me. She beat me daily and told me I was worthless, and soon I began to believe it. As a teenager I slept with a lot of boys to try to prove her wrong, but that only made me feel slutty. I got addicted to heroin and alcohol but I've been clean for two years."
"Oh my," is all Jerry can say. "You've certainly had a-"
"I was pregnant a few times, but miscarried. The doctor says I should probably not try to conceive again, because within a few days of a positive pregnancy test, I just start bleeding, you know?"
Jerry's eyes were glazed. He could only nod in horror.
"So that's my life. And things I like - well, I like boys, obviously. Boys are really the only thing I did in high school, if you catch my meaning!" She winks at him, and disgusted, he emits a nervous laugh. "Things I don't like - well, the list is pretty long so I'll just tell you what I can think of. I hate it when guys want to do something boring for a first date, like take me out to a restaurant."
Jerry's frozen, but manages to say good-humoredly, "Except this restaurant?"
"Nope, even this restaurant. And I don't really like it when guys dress all formal."
Jerry starts to sweat in his dress shirt and tie.
"Let's see...I hate pickles, and sweaty hands, and when people insist on leaving a few scraggly hairs of a beard instead of just shaving it off."
Jerry can't help but touch the unimpressive hairs on his own chin, which suddenly seems very itchy.
"There you go!" she says. "As you can see, I'm a very honest person. I am not afraid to tell you the truth. I am one of those people who will say what she thinks - I don't beat around the bush. You never have to guess where you stand when you're around me."
Helpless against Honesty
I get irked when people use the phrase "I'm just being honest" to hurt someone's feelings. Not only is the speaker promoting herself as an extra-moral person, but her target is helpless - because if she is "just being honest," then how can he react negatively? If he does react, then he "just doesn't want to hear the truth."
Have you ever heard someone use the phrase "I'm just being honest" as an excuse? Here are some examples I can think of.
- A woman yells at other drivers on the road, calling them "idiots" and "dumb." "Well they are," she says. "They are dumb, because only a dumb person would merge without using a turn signal. I'm just saying what I see."
- A man threatens passers-by with hell if they don't repent of their sins. "I'm just telling them the truth," he says, when asked why he uses such an offensive tactic. "They need to hear the truth. That's what Jesus wants, so that's what I'm doing. REPENT OR DIE!" he screams at a couple kids walking by.
- You're listening to a woman talk about a mutual friend. "She is always late, and so inconsiderate. Everyone is annoyed by her. And yet she thinks the world revolves around her. You know her husband left her, right? She told our small group that she drove him off with her nagging. And I am NOT a gossip. That's really what she said. I'm just stating the facts."
I did this once. I had a friend, B, who confessed that she rarely, if ever, spent time in the Word. She said it offhandedly, which gave me the impression she didn't care, and that fired me up in all my Holy-Spirit powered glory (or what I thought was, anyway). "How is God going to speak to you if you don't read your Bible?" I asked her. She didn't answer. "You're robbing him of your company - and he loves you! You're sinning against him!"
As I kept talking, she became angry. "How dare you judge my spiritual life," she said, stomping off.
There I was, young and bewildered. I hadn't judged her spiritual life, I thought. She gave me a piece of information, and all I did was respond. All I did was tell her the truth.
I have never had a relationship sour that quickly. It was in school eight years ago and I still feel ashamed of it.
If I feel ashamed of it, did I do something wrong? All I did was remind her of truths that she herself knew. I wasn't going to baby her and tell her it was okay not to fill her spirit with God's word. I thought I was actually respecting her by reminding her of the truth and not beating around the bush.
Ephesians 4:15 talks about "speaking the truth in love," and this is an incredibly complicated idea! It doesn't just mean "speak the truth with good intentions." It involves when you say particular words to particular people. It involves your tone, your body language, the context of your conversation. It involves you perceiving the other person's needs by watching her body language and listening to her tone and her words, and taking into account everything that person has ever told you about her past and present. You have to decide if to speak the truth, and when, and how.
Here were some mistakes I made with my friend B.
- B was not a close friend. We had no history of trust established that would allow me to say something so offensive to her.
- B was not looking for a response from me - in fact, she probably knew everything I told her, and probably felt guilty about her spiritual life already. She was opening up a vulnerable part of herself with a couldn't-care-less facade, and I shoved a dart right in there.
- I thought that since I wasn't yelling at her, I was "speaking the truth in love."
We value realness. Transparency. Honesty. Truth. The black and white.
But there is a difference between being blunt and being honest. And being inappropriate and being honest. In the words of Ecclesiastes, there is a time to be blunt, and a time to be "inappropriate." But wow, do you see how much I damaged a relationship with one moment of inappropriate bluntness?
good post Amber!
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