I Need Thee Every Minute

Is laziness a sin (like lying), a bad character trait (like being whiney), or a condition (like depression)?

Has anyone else ever had a mental block, where the thing you need to do is right in front of you and you just can't summon the will to do it?  We've all had to force ourselves to do things we don't want to do, but even then, the will is involved.  Even though you don't want to, something in your will does, and that's how you push yourself to do it.  But have you ever said, "This is something I need to do" but felt like you couldn't force your will to agree to it, and it had nothing to do with the physical?

Sometimes I despair.  I'll sit behind the computer and play a stupid game that I hate, and I am not enjoying myself.  I think, "I need to get up and be productive.  Vacuum and do the dishes."  Then I reason with myself:  "Imagine what the house will look like when it's done!"  I bribe myself:  "If you vacuum now, maybe you'll have time to watch an episode of The Biggest Loser."  Then I threaten myself.  "You will be so disappointed with yourself if you haven't done anything by the time Joe comes home."  I coax myself: "Come on, Amber, it'll only take an hour."  I encourage myself:  "You can do it!"

What is it that glues me to the couch?  Don't laugh - I know.  It's laziness.  But I'm serious, it's a real struggle for me.  I think laziness is a by-product of depression - i.e. just like I'm more likely to be unloving when I'm depressed, I'm more likely to be lazy when I'm depressed.  It doesn't mean it's okay; it just means it's more likely.  So basically I've trained myself into this habit, and now I just don't know how to make myself do things.  Don't laugh please, I feel pretty stupid saying this already.

I also don't think it's just a character trait.  When I have a relaxing day I half-jokingly call it a "lazy day."  When I learn about a homeless man who refuses to get a job because he makes more money begging, I call him a "lazy bum."  But just like some people have incredibly difficult struggles with lust, I have an incredibly difficult struggle with laziness.  I mean, it's constant; it never lets up!  I almost never have the will to do things - even if I have the energy.  Sometimes I think I'm still depressed.

Today.  Ah, this day.  Started off with a typical 2 hour nap.  Met someone for an appointment, did Bible study homework.  Apparently that's enough that I "deserved" to relax on the computer for several hours.  At about 3 PM I experienced the tension I described above - trying and trying to get up and do something, and getting more panicked with each minute as more time was being wasted, and getting more and more glued to the couch.  Luckily the Holy Spirit stepped in and said, "Make yourself some tea and meet me upstairs in five."

I climbed into bed with my tea and gave God an earful.  I don't think I've ever talked to him nonstop, out loud, for this long.  Here's how it went:

Me:  "What is WRONG with me?  Who ever heard of not being able to make themselves do something?"

He said, "You're a sinful and weak human being who struggles with laziness, and I will help you."

I said, "All I do is things.  When I'm not doing things, I'm thinking about them.  If I'm happy it's because of something I've done; if I'm sad it's because of something I haven't done.  If I'm busy it's for the purpose of getting something done.  Days of the week are marked by their events, like Sunday is church day.  Preceding days of the week are marked by how I have to prepare for the next days, like preparing a primary church lesson.  It's not that I have too much to do.  It's that my life revolves around DOING and I hate it."

He said, "Good thing you picked me to be your God, because you're not saved by your works."

I said, "But this is why I hate advent.  Because Christmas is the ultimate goal.  And all the steps: the tree, decorating, buying and wrapping gifts, Christmas cards - they are obstacles that I must overcome in order to have a "successful" Christmas.  I can't enjoy it; I'm always just barely catching up.  I have this Christmas tea to attend at church in three hours, and I have nothing to wear because I'm all fat because of my higher dose of medication and nothing fits, and I didn't even make cookies to bring, and I haven't even planned dinner or told Joe I will be gone, and I haven't showered or anything..."

He said, "The only thing I require is obedience."

I was like, "Fine.  Here is my notebook.  You tell me, what do you want me to do in the next three hours?"

He said, "Figure out dinner."

So I wrote it down.

He said, "Then call Joe and let him know what's going on.  And then, look in the closet and plan an outfit.  And if something needs to be washed, you'll have time to wash it."

I wrote that down.

"But what about cleaning, God?" I asked.  "I have crud growing in the toilets, but I haven't done my daily chores yet.

"Prioritize," he said.  "Pick which tasks you really want to do, then do them until you need to get ready."

"And then what?"

"Take a luxurious shower, put on make up, and go to that tea!"

I had my list, but I still didn't have the will.  So I told him that, and said this in my no-nonsense voice:

"Okay, God, I'll try it.  But here's the deal:  I feel like I can't.  I am beside myself with fear that I can't.  So if I'm going to do this - are you listening, God? - you have to be with me CONSTANTLY.  Because I'm serious, if you leave me, even for a minute, I will probably be so mentally weak I'll just crawl back into bed."

He was.  I did it.  I had the most wonderful time.  I looked gorgeous, I felt great, and my toilets are clean.

Every time I come to God and he gives me the strength to overcome a challenge, I think, "Yay, I'm healed now, I can be like a normal person and I don't have to struggle with this anymore."  And then I get all frustrated when later I struggle with the same challenge.  Um, clearly I need to continually come to him for help.  There's a hymn called "I Need Thee Every Hour."  For me, it's like every minute, because that's how quickly my brain can sabotage me.