Yesterday I spent some time outside in the sun with nothing but my Bible, a journal, and a pen. And a bottle of water. And a bowl of assorted snacks. And I let my cat out so he could snuggle with me.
I wrote, "Hi God, what do you want to teach me?" in my journal, and then spent the next hour or so feeling thankful and then being convicted.
Lest I sound too holy, I should mention that I did this for a required school assignment in my "Spiritual Formation" class.
And I am horrified to admit an awful realization that hit me yesterday.
I was reading James 1:2-4, which says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." Of course, I thought about my struggle with anxiety and depression, realized that is my personal "trials of many kinds," and resolved to have a better attitude about the whole thing. So I was reading this and nodding along, thinking "Yeah, it's not very Christian of me to whine about depression, I should have a joyful attitude anyway, blah blah blah."
Then I kept reading. Paul doesn't just tell us to be all happy when we're sad; he gives us a reason: "Consider it pure joy...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." I kept nodding, thinking in a very holy way, "Thank you God for the reminder that this struggle is making me a stronger person."
The next section says this about perseverance, "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything," I nodded along. Yeah, yeah, I want to be mature and complete.
And then I had my horrifying, awful realization:
I've been telling God, "I'm not the person who should have to deal with depression." Then I gave him a list of four reasons why, and here is the first:
I love God. Shouldn't depression fall on someone who doesn't?
I've heard the warning against the belief that physical healing always follows spiritual healing; i.e. when you become saved you won't ever have pain again. Since God wants us to come to him motivated by love, it wouldn't work to have the bonus of "Oh yeah, if you become a Christian you'll never feel pain again," because then people would have ulterior motives.
Basically I was telling God, "I don't deserve to have depression because I'm a Christian." And how sick is that?
Confession: I thought a non-Christian deserved depression more than me.
This is what I'm really ashamed of, because I've been writing this whole blog out of the idea that we all sin, we're all sinners: the only difference between me and someone who isn't a Christian is that the price of my sin has already been paid. I've wanted to paint this picture showing I'm not better than anyone else on my own merits; it's only because of grace that God calls me his child, and he offers this opportunity to everyone. I've wanted to show that I'm not better than anyone else.
Yet here I am, thinking I am better - and not even in a legalistic, "This Christian smokes but I don't so I'm better than them" way but in the worst, faith damaging kind of way. This is why non-Christians say Christians are judgmental. I try so hard to be real and raw and vulnerable, but then God shows me what's at the root of my attitudes and I am horrified to see I am just like the Israelites, who seemed to think God had chosen them because they were sooooo much more obedient than the rest of the nations (Ha.)
I am so sorry to the Christians reading this. I let you down; I committed the most devastating sin: I built up the wall you have been trying to tear down as you reach out to your friends who don't know Jesus. I apologize to the non-Christians reading this. I thought I was past the point of thinking I deserved special treatment over you. I was so very wrong.
Comments
Post a Comment