Should

As a wife, I have a lot of responsibilities.  And I take them seriously, because my role is helpmate, and I want to help Joe - genuinely, I do, not just because I'm married to him but because I love him.

So I should have dinner ready when he comes home, and it shouldn't be something greasy and fast like frozen pizza.  I should be wearing my hair up, and I should at least be dressed in something besides sweats.  I should quickly clear the dishes and clean the kitchen after dinner so we can watch something, but I should also be sensitive that he might not want to watch something; he might just want to have time to himself and I should be okay with that.  The living room should be organized so that when he's relaxing on the couch, he doesn't have to look at my scattered school books and rumpled blankets and dishes from where I had a frozen chimichanga and soda for lunch.  While he's at work I should vacuum the house and make sure my schoolwork is all done.  I should run my errands while he's gone so we can spend time together when he's here.

This is why I am in a terrible mood right now, I'm sorry to say.  I'm especially embarrassed to admit it because tomorrow at church a lot of people will see me, and will have read this and I'll just smile and pretend someone else wrote it because yes, I can be that shallow.

But I don't even have high expectations of myself - just normal person expectations, and I should be capable of meeting them.

A two-hour talk with Heather, a woman who suffers physically and emotionally much more than me, helped me realize part of my problem:  I say "should" too much.  Because right now, mentally, emotionally, physically, I'm not able to do my "shoulds."  Agonizing about my failures isn't going to help me get them done, nor will it make me feel better.

I don't fully understand why I shouldn't say "should."  If I have responsibilities, denying them isn't the answer.  But somehow, right now, it helps.  I guess it's because I'm not saying "shouldn't."  I'm just saying, "I can't, and that's okay."  Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't.  (Right now I don't and that's why I have a bad attitude.)

Heather and I made a pact not to say "should" this whole weekend, and if we did, we had to confess.  Well, here's my confession:

I should have done my schoolwork the first days of this week. I should have kept up on my cleaning.  I should have made healthy meals for us.

One more thing happened when I met with Heather; I talked to her mom, Sue.  I blathered on  about how I have responsibilities, and it's not like I can ignore them, but it's not like I can fulfill them.  She said this:
"Amber, you only have one main responsibility right now, and that is to get better.  So if you need to visit the doctor or look into different medications, then that's what you have to do instead of waiting for it to go away on its own."  She knew my desire to be the ideal wife, friend, future mother, etc.  But she also knew I can't do any of those completely if I'm not healthy.

And now for a word from my friend Paul, the other worst sinner:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2

That's the answer, whether I like it or not:  I'm free to not feel condemned or guilty, even though I'm going to keep setting unreasonable goals for myself and keep failing to meet them.  I know I'm not being the wife I want to be, but when have I ever been completely satisfied with my actions?

Please note that I am not saying this to excuse my sin.  I am simply not going to allow Satan to cripple me with guilt.  If God can use my guilt to strengthen me, fine.  But if guilt is what keeps me stunted and cowering and paralyzed, then I will be free of it.

Edit:  A friend, Charlyn, read this post and responded with these powerful words:

"Some time ago, God began working with me on really looking at Eph. 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I began to look at each day as a flexible structure into which He could work His plans. When I'm able to offer Him my schedule, my "shoulds" become possibilities - not plans. Rather than writing a "To-Do" list in pen, I begin my day with a "Ta-Da" list that begins in pencil. It often loses a couple of tasks before the day ends, but more often I'm adding things He has brought my way. There's so much freedom and peace in being able to end my day with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving for all the good work He's given me to do, rather than beating myself up for all the things I "should have done" but didn't accomplish."

I have nothing to add.  Just, wow.  This is a life-changing idea.