Sin

I'm a sinner, you're a sinner, everyone's a sinner. In non-Christian circles, the mantra is rejected as a humiliating self-esteem buster; in Christian circles, we use the term lightly - "I shouldn't have gossiped about my neighbor, but we're all sinners, right?"

If we're all sinners, I'm the expert. Unlike Paul, who claimed of all sinners to be "the worst", I am the best and most talented in my field. In fact, the only thing at which I am better is pretending I'm not.

My pastor says this before every sermon:

"Let us confess our sins. We do this not to grovel in our guilt, but to blah blah blah" (I don't remember the rest, which is a shame, because it's really good.)

But basically, the purpose of this blog is not to grovel in my guilt. It is to acknowledge my sin publicly in order to flaunt my complete lack of fear, because my sin doesn't rule me anymore. That's what being "saved from your sins" means: not that you don't sin, but you don't have to fear judgment and shame (it also means you are free not to sin, which is a confusing concept I don't fully understand so maybe someday I'll have someone else talk about that.)

See, I sinned again in the last paragraph. I lied. I am afraid. What if I confess a sin and I'm the only one who does it? What if a sin confession is inappropriate and shocking? What about days I don't feel verbose - just bitter and resentful and barely able to keep my commitment to my husband, much less this stupid blog? What do I do when I know my attitudes are wrong, but I can't stand yet another blow to my self esteem, so I hold up my "human rights" banner and flaunt my resentment?

So the other purpose of this blog is to remind myself of truth. To remember that sin isn't in charge of me anymore; to help me realize how much I still try to pay for my own sins by doing "good" things.